Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
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Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode