*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
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Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
A friend helps you before you need it
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments