whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
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son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
I want what they have
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
my friends when i can’t do basic math
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
Hell yeah 👍