My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
You Might Also Like
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
it’s the silliest best thing
peak technology
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.