I’m not stressed
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Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
🙁
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.