If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
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Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?