Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
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Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
paddle faster i hear baby shark
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
is nasa ok
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”