R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
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My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂