Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
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Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
Nice try, NASA
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.