Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
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“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.