Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
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Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
found my next D&D character name
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*