Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
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Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.