the best thing i’ve ever made
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A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
I will never stop laughing at this
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.