[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
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My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom