My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
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Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.