almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
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[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Put the is in disheveled
When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*