It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
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How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
Make new friends? bro out of what?
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.