Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
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The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
Not today.. 😂
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.