today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
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Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
[eulogy]
line?
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.