This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
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Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
“I FIXED IT!”
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.