If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
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sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
the noise i just made
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb