I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
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Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
I want to meet the individual who made this
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.