I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
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Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice