What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
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Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers