Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
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I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
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