Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
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“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.