When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
You Might Also Like
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
Fitness influencer: It鈥檚 important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven鈥檛 been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
Let鈥檚 hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store鈥檚 impending closure …
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don鈥檛 like confrontation so I just stole it.
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I鈥檓 eating chips and watching TV and I鈥檓 not annoyed anymore.
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*