ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
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Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
my mind
You just read my mind
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.