Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
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when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
Check your privilege
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
Danger is very dangerous