what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
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Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’