ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
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Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor