[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
You Might Also Like
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.