I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
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daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
wut hotdog?
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?