He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life ππ
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[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasnβt responded well to going cold turkey but his irises arenβt red anymore so thatβs good news.
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
villain: it seems iβm holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
good let them take over I have had enough
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, βDuck this shirt.β
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
canβt believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and Iβm like wow there are people who make their bed
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”