interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
You Might Also Like
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.