My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
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A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
Des Moines Police having a normal one
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’