Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
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Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.