Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
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Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.