I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
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🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
☺️
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.