We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
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[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
If you want my opinion ask my wife
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.