Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
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I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!