Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
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hamburger doesn’t need your help.
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass