Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
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Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
just leave it at the foot of the bed
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
The options really are this bad
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now