*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
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Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
“You’d better run, egg!”
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
an octopus is just a wet spider
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?