Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
You Might Also Like
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.