When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
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Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.