The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
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Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something