[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
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What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.