falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
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A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
Imma just leave this here…………
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.