Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
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Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
Xylophonist Shredding It
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.